


It's There

by aurumdalseni (kyo_chan)



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Bluesey - Freeform, F/M, I'm soft for them, Post-Canon, and also emotional about Gansey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 15:54:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21000266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyo_chan/pseuds/aurumdalseni
Summary: You have your whole life ahead of you.How many times had he heard that at school, at parties, in London, in Cuba, at Aglionby? How many times had it been said to him with a jovial shoulder clap and blissful ignorance? Gansey had accepted from a too-young age that the moment his heart stopped and started again, he was on borrowed time. He’d donned a mantle of his lack of life beyond his senior year. Even before Gansey had confirmed it, he’d lived life with a grim sense he’d never be legal to drink, and he might not even get old enough to vote.





	It's There

**Author's Note:**

> Written with love for [Fictober](https://fictober-event.tumblr.com/post/187637998976/fictober-2019), which I am now affectionately starting to call "Ganseytober".  
Day 12 - "What if I don't see it?"  
Hope you enjoy!

_ “You have your whole life ahead of you, Richardman!” _

Gansey paced the hallway outside his modest hotel room, wide awake and mind racing. The mild buzz he’d dozed off with felt like it had fizzled away into a prickling, prodding self-awareness. Maybe he’d been dreaming, or maybe he’d heard a noise by the door. Maybe Cheng had started snoring. Whatever had woken him up, there would be no getting back to sleep now. And of all damned things to have running through his mind, it was the one thing he didn’t know how to handle yet. 

Back and forth he paced, barely acknowledging the chatter of TVs turned too loud or night owls like him playing a friendly game of cards. Henry Cheng’s voice was a mantra in his head, a record skipping over and over again. 

_ You have your whole life ahead of you. _

How many times had he heard that at school, at parties, in London, in Cuba, at Aglionby? How many times had it been said to him with a jovial shoulder clap and blissful ignorance? Gansey had accepted from a too-young age that the moment his heart stopped and started again, he was on borrowed time. He’d donned the mantle of his lack of life beyond his senior year. Even before Gansey had confirmed it, he’d lived with a grim sense he’d never be legal to drink, and he might not even get old enough to vote. In the past, he’d laughed off the careless phrase. “I suppose I had better change the world while I’m at it,” he would quip. Earlier that night, he’d raised his generic hotel glass full of whatever Henry had mixed up to toast the life he had ahead of him.

Now, at 3AM, he had no idea what he’d been celebrating, but he felt angry about it. For not the first time, he wished Lynch had come along. He needed an expert in how to handle a late night, an angry heart, and a head full of spirits all at the same time. Gansey also missed home.

Deciding he couldn’t just keep pacing the hallway, he headed to the lobby and out the automatic doors to the parking lot. The pavement was cool beneath his feet, and he carefully made his way over to where the Pig was parked next to its fuel-efficient twin. He ran his hand along the smooth surface of Blue’s Camaro before climbing up onto the hood of his own and laying back. He stared up at the stars — or what he could see of them with the hotel’s safety-first floodlights nearby. Taking in a huge breath of the late night air, he thought maybe he could sleep like this, just like he’d done many times back at Monmouth.

“You know, I think the mattress sucks too, but isn’t this a little dramatic?”

Gansey felt his lips pull into a smile at the sound of Blue’s voice. It was practically reflex by now.

“I was feeling stifled,” he answered, automatically making room for her. 

Blue clambered up next to him and pulled her t-shirt over her knees. “So sorry the accommodations aren’t to your liking, sir. Such a deviation from your princely expectation.” 

In spite of himself, Gansey laughed. “I wasn’t talking about the room.”

“I know.”

Silence lingered between them, not entirely uncomfortable, but the air was heavy with something waiting to be said. Gansey decided, for once, he didn’t want to be the one to say it. Blue didn’t tolerate waiting for very long, and he was always grateful for that. 

“Was it something we said?” she asked, cutting right to the point.

Gansey loved her so fiercely he thought his chest might collapse with the swell of it. “Completely innocuous, Jane. My offense is my own fault.’

Blue rolled her eyes and gave him a little shove. But even without looking, he could feel her eyes on him. She was giving him the space to speak, and somehow it got even easier to say it when her chilled fingers wrapped around his. 

“He said, ‘you have your whole life ahead of you’,” Gansey murmured. “Cheng did, when we were toasting our hard-won freedom with illegally acquired alcohol.”

Blue tilted her head, not even fazed by the alcohol part, but definitely intrigued by the admission. “You do, though. What’s wrong with that?”

“What if I don’t see it?” 

Gansey hadn’t meant to let it slip, but the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. Blue had a habit of doing that to him. He felt her grip tighten and he reveled in what a comfort that was. He finally looked at her, taking a moment to savor her warm eyes, the curve of her jaw, and the little jut of her chin that fit his thumb perfectly when he tilted her head up for a kiss. He wanted this to be his future, but this magical creature he adored sometimes felt as nebulous as the rest of his living days. Not because of anything she did, but because he’d grown so used to being full of _ wanting _ that it had spilled over helplessly with no place to go other than to drown those who’d dared to let him close. He forced himself to take a deep breath, and it trembled. Blue was quick to press herself to his side and cover him with her beautifully sensible presence. Gansey’s eyes stung.

“It’s there,” she told him simply, and when she said it, it was fact. 

He couldn’t find the words to say, so for once, he didn’t speak. He shook beneath her. 

“Look, Gansey, anything can happen. That’s the…the _ whatness _ of being alive. Your whole life could be the next 60 years or the next ten minutes. If you keep living like it could all get taken away, are you actually living or are you waiting for something to take it away?”

“But there’s always been something waiting to take it away, Jane,” Gansey murmured helplessly. “I’ve spent years knowing that. I’m trying to start over, but sometimes, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t see my future. I’m afraid to know what it holds.”

“Well,” Blue huffed. “Aren’t you lucky I’m not a psychic.”

Gansey choked on a wet laugh, kissing the top of her head. “I’m lucky you’re mine, psychic or not.”

“One day at a time,” Blue said, trying to hide the fact that her cheeks had gotten warmer. “If you can’t see any further ahead, at least start thinking of what you want to do tomorrow.”

“I’d like to go to the museum in town, if that’s all right.”

Blue nodded against him. “Can you see that? The three of us going to the museum tomorrow?”

“I can certainly see needing to nurse Cheng’s hangover at that little diner first.”

“Great,” Blue groaned. “You wanna go back inside now?”

“Just a few minutes more. I’m thinking about my future.”

“Oh yeah?”

Gansey shifted, touching her face and sliding his thumb along her chin. He didn’t answer with words, only his lips against hers.

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me about Gansey and TRC over at [my blog](http://oldkingyounggod.tumblr.com)!


End file.
